Flying Monkeys: How Narcissists Recruit Others to Do Their Bidding
- Dr. Lyndsay Elliott
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Flying monkeys are people who act on behalf of a narcissist — carrying messages, gathering information, applying pressure, or harassing the narcissist's target — often without fully understanding they are being used to do so. The term comes from the Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends winged monkeys to do her dirty work. In narcissistic abuse dynamics, the same principle applies: the narcissist rarely operates alone.
This is one of the most painful and confusing aspects of narcissistic abuse to navigate, because flying monkeys are frequently people you trusted — mutual friends, family members, colleagues, even your own children. Understanding how they get recruited, and why, makes the dynamic significantly easier to manage.
How Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys
Narcissists are typically skilled at impression management — presenting a particular version of themselves to the outside world that bears little resemblance to the person you experienced privately. When a conflict arises, especially a separation or estrangement, the narcissist moves quickly to control the narrative. Flying monkey recruitment usually involves:
Selective disclosure — sharing a curated, one-sided version of events that positions them as the victim and you as the aggressor or unstable party
Smear campaigns — spreading damaging information, exaggerations, or outright fabrications about you to mutual contacts before you have the chance to share your own account
Appeals to loyalty — framing the conflict as a loyalty test for people in the shared network
Manufactured urgency — creating a sense that you are in crisis, dangerous, or behaving erratically in a way that requires intervention
Most flying monkeys don't think of themselves as doing anything harmful. They believe they are helping, mediating, or looking out for someone they care about. That's precisely what makes the dynamic so effective.
What Flying Monkeys Are Asked to Do
The tasks vary depending on the situation, but commonly include:
Checking in on you or your living situation and reporting back
Delivering messages the narcissist knows you'd reject if they came directly
Applying pressure to reconcile, return, or drop a legal action
Challenging your account of events and advocating for the narcissist's version
Monitoring your social media and relaying information
Attempting to negotiate on the narcissist's behalf
In higher-conflict situations, flying monkey behavior can cross into harassment, even when the individual flying monkey doesn't recognize it as such.
Why Good People Become Flying Monkeys
This is the part most people struggle with — how someone they respect and trusted could end up in this role. A few reasons:
They only have the narcissist's version of events and have no reason to doubt it
They genuinely care about the narcissist and want to help what they've been told is a crisis
They are conflict-averse and hope to broker peace without realizing they're being used
They are themselves intimidated by or dependent on the narcissist and comply out of self-protection
They have been gradually conditioned over time to accept the narcissist's framing of reality
Most flying monkeys are not malicious. Some are. Both require the same response from you.
How to Handle Flying Monkeys
Don't over-explain or defend yourself through them. Anything you share with a flying monkey is likely to be reported back, selectively edited, and used against you. They are not a neutral channel.
Set a clear, calm limit. "I'm not going to discuss my relationship with [name] through someone else. If you'd like to talk about something else, I'm happy to." Then hold it.
Don't assume they know what they're doing. Treating a flying monkey as though they are a knowing participant in a conspiracy often damages a relationship that might otherwise be salvageable once the dust settles and they have access to more information.
Protect your information. Assume that what you share will reach the narcissist. Adjust accordingly.
Recognize that some relationships may not survive this. If someone remains a committed flying monkey after having access to your account of events, that tells you something important about the relationship that exists independently of the narcissist.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can someone be a flying monkey without knowing it? Yes, and this is the most common scenario. Most flying monkeys genuinely believe they are helping and have no awareness that they are being used to extend the narcissist's reach or control.
What do I do if a family member becomes a flying monkey? The same boundary principles apply regardless of the relationship — you don't discuss the conflict through them, you don't share information that will be relayed, and you decide based on their ongoing behavior how much access to your life they retain.
Should I try to explain the narcissistic abuse dynamic to a flying monkey? Rarely productive in the short term, especially if they are currently loyal to the narcissist's version of events. Most people need time and access to contradicting information before they can hear an alternative account. Trying to convince someone who isn't ready often backfires.
What if my children are being used as flying monkeys? This is a specific and serious dynamic, particularly in co-parenting situations. It requires careful navigation and ideally the involvement of a family therapist or legal counsel familiar with high-conflict custody situations. Children should never be placed in the position of carrying information between adults, and that boundary is worth protecting firmly.
Dr. Lyndsay Elliott, PsyD, is a licensed clinical and forensic psychologist with more than 20 years of experience specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery, licensed in California, Tennessee, Oregon, New York, and New Mexico with PSYPACT authorization across 40+ states. Schedule a consultation to talk through what you're navigating — including the relationships around the relationship.
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